GRANDCHILDREN AND GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN - DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?

I have been abundantly blessed by association with some of my grandchildren these past several weeks. And I even have a new great daughter who is the 12th great grandchild! I look forward to another great grandson in May as well.

Living in Utah where 5 of my 10 children reside has been a huge blessing since I can now attend many concerts and musicals and special days as well as Sunday dinners. I see at least some of the family several times a month. It really is a blessing!

The other day I was counting up our family and realized that from just Steve and me have come  a family of almost 80 people! It is mind boggling and brings me great joy. I love the hugs and the association. It would be my dream to have us altogether at one time in one place although I realize that will likely not happen since we  all live far apart in Utah, Oregon, Colorado, Alabama, Indiana, Georgia, Tokyo, California, and Arizona. But I will continue to revel in the times I can gather with my family members. I look forward to the "Grandma Trips" with my grandchildren which will begin April 2 with a trip to Paris with one of my grandsons. It will be fun to find out what adventures await as more trips are planned. There will be a safari in June with 2 more grandsons and then a trip to Japan in 2024 with 5 other grandchildren. I was surprised that so many were interested in visiting Japan. I am grateful that so far my health has been good enough to allow me to travel. I am recovering well from my back surgery which will be helpful when it comes to traveling and needing to walk.

It almost seems like spring. At least we haven't had snow for a few days. The snow pack is good for this year so  maybe we will not have to worry about drought conditions. I am thinking of planting sweet peas soon. They have my favorite perfume. And of course I want more zinnias this year.

It has been aggravating to have a 3 month recovery from my surgery! I have read so many books and watched so much TV and felt stymied since I could not "bend, twist or lift more than 10 lbs" nor was I supposed to use my "dishwasher, do laundry or vacuum" during that same time frame. Thankfully I have a robot vacuum, realized I can wash dishes by hand, and learned how to use my 'grabber' to do laundry without bending. This week I will go have an X-ray to see just how the fuse is looking and hopefully I will get a green light to get back to my life. I am not the world's best housekeeper but even  I am getting annoyed by the clutter and knowing my bathrooms are not as clean as they should be. I actually found someone to come in and clean for me next week. It will be like spring cleaning  I hope!

There is a huge pile of papers on my desk I need to sort as soon as I am cleared to bend so I can put them in my file drawers. But little by little my mind is allowing me to deal with some of the "stuff" like sending in insurance claims, doing my taxes, and so much of the minutia of my life. I am hopeful that I will get my head together again and be more productive. I just need to feel like I am accomplishing something. Guess that comes from having a type A personality. But then there are days when I do absolutely nothing of significance. This past week I have been sort of hibernating. But I am learning to be OK with that too.

I think part of this new portion of my life is learning who I really am. For example, I always have said that I like 'classical' music and I have it playing on my radio in my car when I drive. But I have learned that I do not like ALL classical music. I am trying to discover what foods I actually like. It may be because I had Covid or it is just me but most food does not taste very good to me anymore. So, I am trying to figure out what foods I actually do like. It has been a revelation to me that I struggle with my body image.  I think I have always tried to look 'nice' and put together but I realize I really struggle with some excess weight and I need to not struggle so much with it.

So, there is definitely room for growth. I am trying to be a better person and that is sometimes an uphill journey. 

But overall I feel blessed and grateful for so many things - for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for the opportunity to attend the temple regularly, for my FAMILY, for the years Steve and I had together, for his love and the foundation he provided for my emotions. I look forward to many more adventures as I adjust to my new life as a widow.

Here are a few recent photos of some of my posterity.

My beautiful new great granddaughter!

With my grandson and his pink hair for his role a "Patrick" in Spongebob.

Awesome supporting family!

Super percussionist after his Jazz Band Concert.

Another 'grandma' moment after one of his musicals.

After his performance with a BYU group - he is an awesome guitarist.

What can I say?!

SACRIFICE, SELFISHNESS, SELF CARE, SANITY

 

I really love to see beautiful skies! Seeing them  help fill my well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about sacrifice, selfishness, self  care and sanity and how they apply in my life. Part of the grieving process is figuring all that out. I am still visiting a therapist bi-weekly who gives me a good sounding board and often directs my thoughts to areas I had not previously considered.

It seems strange that I am a widow.  Most of my life has been spent as a wife and mother. I was blessed to marry Steve who was a good man. He loved me and we had many adventures together. Not the least of which was parenthood. And I am very grateful to be a mother, a grandmother, and a great grandmother. It is amazing to think that my 10 children have turned out to be pretty awesome humans. It is amazing to realize that from Steve and me have come almost 80 descendants  to our family. I love my family and am grateful for this time in my life to interact with them all. I love that I see the 5 of my children who live near and some of the grandchildren who live near on a pretty regular basis and am always grateful when those farther away come to visit or text or call.

But it is still strange to be a widow. I am still not sure just what that looks like. I know I am alone, of course, but I am still trying to figure things out.

I have learned that I can go to bed when I want. I can get up when I want - even though I seem unable to sleep more than 5-6 hours at a time. I can get dressed, if and, when I want. I can choose what I want to eat. I can be social, or not,  if I want. I can read or watch TV or do other  "stuff" if I want. I have also learned that I miss the structure of life that comes in a family. So, I have to figure out what kind of structure I want now that I am alone.

 I know I need more exercise to stay healthy and in shape but that has been frustrated as I am still recovering from back surgery. I am recovering but still have pains in my legs. I think I need a chiropractic adjustment but I cannot do that until after I visit the doctor on March 22 and get an X-ray and hopefully a green light for normal activities. It was good to be on the cruise and be forced to walk as much as I was. Crazy to think we walked 1-2 miles per day just on the ship going back and forth from our room ,to dining, to entertainment.  But I came home feeling like my body could move better. I have been trying to walk regularly but the cold snowy weather has made that difficult and the reality is that I am kind of lazy.

I have been reading my scriptures regularly and have scheduled weekly temple attendance so that is a start at creating a structure.  

But I really do want to do "more". My therapist told me to be aware of what I actually do each day; but feeling like I have to always be doing "more"  is just ingrained in my personality that I must be doing. She introduced the term "self care" when I told her that I had chosen not to attend  social event I had been planning to attend. I had to think  a lot about that term to finally figure out that I do not need to do something just because other people might expect me to do it.

Then I have been thinking about how much of my life has been governed by my perception of what others expect. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I want. So, as I have been reading books and watching TV the back of my mind has been busy trying to figure that out.

Anyone who is a parent knows full well that parenthood is synonymous with sacrifice. We just cannot raise children without sacrificing sleep, time, energy, hobbies, etc. That is just the way it is and I have no regrets for sacrificing so much for my 10 children. And if I had a chance to do it all over again I would jump at it hoping only that I could be a better parent. And we make these sacrifices because we love our children. And it was our desire to 'raise up our family to the Lord'.

Trying to be obedient to the Lord's commandments also involves sacrifice as we spend our time and means to serve the Lord. I would never change our efforts  that way either. I was grateful for the opportunity to speak in Stake Conference a week ago because it gave me a chance to serve and to share my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

There are times when it is right to sacrifice. And there are times when I/we need to pull into ourselves and allow some self care. That is not being selfish. That is filling our wells so we can move forward. There have been many times when I have over extended myself and come close to damaging my sanity. In fact I know that I have damaged my sanity at times.

Sometimes in my life I have had to just stop and pull in and try to reset myself. Sometimes I have to learn to say "no" when I really can't go or do what others may expect from me. And that is OK. But it is a process to learn the balance.

My daughter-in-law found a poster years ago which featured a large elephant balancing on  a small ball which I think was actually representing the world. I suspect we all feel like we have to balance "everything". But we don't. 

There was a conference talk by Elder Dallin H Oaks  a few years back about making good choices. He talked about "good, better and best " choices. I just reread it and appreciate the good counsel he gave. 

I am attaching a link to his talk in case you are interested.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng

As I move forward with my life  I am trying to figure out which choices are 'best' for me and my family. Sadly I still waste a lot of time being unproductive. I need to learn to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to somehow step back and see the full picture and figure out what I want and why I want it and then move forward.

SHEEP

Several years ago Steve and I spend 4 1/2 months in Wales to research his family history. We stayed in a small village called Pontygwaith and often drove to the Glamorgan Archive in Cardiff or the West Glamorgan Archive in Swansea with occasional forays to the archives in Neath, Cowbridge, etc. We also spent some time in Aberystwyth at the National Archives. How we loved immersing ourselves in the old records! It was a thrill to touch and read the old documents. And we found some amazing information.

The countryside of Wales is so lovely with many enclosed green fields dotted with sheep. I loved to see them. It is so very green and just beautiful! One day I wanted to stop and take some pictures of sheep so I pulled off to the side of the road , got out of the car and walked across the road because there were a lot of sheep in the back field. Steve wasn't as excited about the sheep as I was so he patiently waited in the car.

There was a wide metal gate sitting diagonally at the corner of the field. As I walked up to that gate the sheep at the extreme opposite end of the field saw me and started running my direction! Then it seemed they got shy and stopped so I moved and turned just a little and they then began to run again. I have wondered if they hoped I had a treat for them, just didn't know what they were thinking.

Over the next 10 or so minutes they alternated  between running towards me and acting shy. The more bashful sheep stayed somewhere near the middle of the field. But several continued to press forward. Eventually only 3 stuck their heads through the rungs while others milled around. Oh how I laughed at their antics.

I immediately learned two things. The sheep were not really all that cute up close. AND they smelled awful!!! I did not even dare pet them because they smelled so gross. I contented myself with taking a few photos and apologized  for not bringing a treat. Then I crossed the road, walked  back to the car chuckling all the way and drove back home to Pontygwaith. The sheep waited a bit and then gradually moved back into the field. If I had brought a treat for them it might have been even more fun.

It was a very funny experience for me and for some reason I told one of my daughters about it the other day. She reminded me of the many pictures we see of the Savior carrying a lamb. Then she drew the analogy between us and those sheep and how the Savior is always there, willing to pick us up no matter how much we stink.

The more I thought about what she said the more I realized how profound she was. We spend our whole lives getting dirty and smelly, catching ourselves on the difficult experiences and debris of the world. But always the Savior is there to love us, to pick us up, to clean us off through forgiveness and help us come 'home'. Likely the sheep the Savior held did not stink nor will we when we turn to Him.

[I wanted to add a photo of the Savior holding  lamb but it seems copyright law prohibits me from doing so. But I am sure you can see one in your mind 😌]

RENEW, RESTART, REFRESH, RESILIENCE TO MOVE FORWARD EVEN WHEN THINGS HAVE BEEN TOUGH

                                           Lots of photo ops in the Cabo market place.

Going on a cruise was a fun experience. Going on the RENEW23 Cruise was a phenomenal experience! It was so great to spend time with my eldest daughter enjoying things we like to do. The whole ship had been chartered for this group for a 5 night cruise starting in Long Beach traveling to Cabo San Lucas, Ensanada and back to Long Beach. I loved having a balcony room so we could enjoy the ocean and the views. It was great to see dolphins and whales along our way.

The bars and the casino were not busy since no one was interested in the alcohol or gambling. By the last 2 evenings the bar tenders had figured out how to offer non alcoholic beverages so we saw a lot of virgin pina coladas, etc  being served and the staff had opportunities to earn tips. On a humorous note, which we did not even notice until a couple of days in, several of the plentiful naked statues had been given 'togas'.

The musical offerings were pretty awesome. We enjoyed concerts by the Piano Guys, Conlon Bonner, Ofi, David Osmond, the Osmond Chapman Orchestra, Hilary Weeks. There were also a number of interesting presentations by various people but we just did not have enough time to enjoy them all. But they all followed a theme of spiritual/emotional survival, of getting back up again after tough times, of hope, of renewal. One of the speakers mentioned "sacred idleness" - a time to just be and allow ourselves to renew instead of being constantly busy. A time to ponder and refresh. That is important for me to remember.

I was cleared by my doctor to go on the cruise but not to go on excursions. I wore the back brace every day and used a walker when we were not on the ship. It was nice to just sit down on the walker seat when I got tired. Tracking my steps showed me that I walked between 1 and 2 miles per day without even leaving the ship. Our stateroom was about in the middle of the ship so we had to go one direction for our meals and another for our concerts. But medically it was a great break half way through my recovery and the walking was good to loosen me up. There was too much food of course. But I was not overly impressed with it or maybe there was just too much. And I did not gain any weight which was great!

It is always fun to visit markets. I forgot to take photos but it was fun to see all the color. I found a very cute little Mexican shirt for my newest great grandson who will be born in May, as well as a very cute little 2 piece dress for the newest great granddaughter who will be born in March. It is pretty amazing to realize that I will soon have 13 great grandchildren! I am so blessed!

Next January RENEW24 will occur and I hope to participate and get that extra shot in the arm again. I just hope the weather cooperates a little better as my daughter had a hard time getting home with storms in the midwest which cancelled and delayed her flights into Nashville.

Now I am home in COLD Utah. And it has been COOOLDD! Well below freezing for a long time with occasional snow.

It was strange coming home - to reality I suppose- and seeing that my house still looks the same and trying to again figure out "what comes next".

As I looked toward my future trips I realized it was time to make sure my grandsons and I have our proper immunizations for our trips to  France and Kenya and Tanzania. I have absolutely no idea where I put the record of my immunizations! Of course I have my Covid shot records with my passport but I looked HARD and cannot find the other records. 

Tender mercies are very real. After my initial panic, and some prayer, I made a series of phone calls culminating with a fortuitous call to the Whatcom County WA Health department. The lovely person I spoke with sent me link for a form which I printed and filled out, my daughter helped me to get a photo of the form sent back and literally within 10 minutes on  a Friday afternoon I electronically received the whole list of my immunizations including all I was given in 2016/2017 preparing for our mission to Australia. What a relief and a HUGE shout out to the staff at Whatcom County Health department! I have an appointment Thursday to see my doctor and hopefully get his approval for a Yellow Fever Immunization. I need that "note from my doctor" since I am over 60. Then Friday I will get the Yellow Fever vaccine and anything else I still need. Hopefully the side affects are not too awful.

On Saturday my son came and picked me up and drove me to Salt Lake to see the final performance of my grandson with the Young Ambassadors. He pays a mean guitar and has spent 2 years with that group but he is now finished. It was such fun to be there to watch the performance and to watch my grandson jiving to the music. And it was so nice to have my son be my chauffeur and have that precious time to just visit. Steve would be really glad to see how nicely our children care for me.

Taxes are  a royal PAIN. I did mine the other night and discovered I have to pay this year. I guess that is not a huge surprise since I did not have any funds withheld in 2022. But what was a surprise was that along with the taxes I rightfully owe I am being charged $57 for not having had enough funds withheld. How is that fair????? Well Uncle Sam will get my taxes and my fee -  but not until April 14. And I will have to go in and change my withholding statement so that  next year I will not be charged for not taking enough out. Ridiculous! GRRRR

The days seem to flow by. I actually dared go  to church on Sunday - the first since my surgery in mid December. It was good to be there and not just watch on Zoom. Nice also to know that people were glad to see me and were concerned for me since my surgery.

Still reading a lot of books. It is sad when I find an author I really enjoy and then have read all of her books. [I have really enjoyed the  historical novels, mostly with a romance, written by Roseanna M White. She writes good clean stories with intricate plots.] Then I have to find a new author. I'm also watching a lot of TV offerings. It is easy to hide myself away in books or TV shows and not quite face life. I need to work on a schedule to make sure I am doing the things I need to do. It is just  much easier to hide. But I need to try to figure out things to do for other people.

I need to NOT hide but to get on with a purpose in my life. I am still going to grief counseling  Not sure just how long I will need that but it seems to help. Tears of loss still come at the strangest times but I feel very blessed and look forward to the future. I just have to figure out how to manage that future :)

The monitor in our room showed our progress and other details. From Long Beach to Cabo San Lucas to Ensenada and back to Long Beach. The weather was pleasant.

I did not take as many photos as I should have. My daughter took a lot and some of these are hers. I hope next time I travel that my head will be more in gear to find and take the great photos that are available. I really am a greedy traveller and want to see and absorb everything! And I love nature! So, a few pictures.

Our steward created a different towel animal every day! It was such fun coming back to see what he had done. Then Andrea named them!

                                    So grateful for the walker that made it all doable

                                                   Our more modest statue :)

So nice to also have a neighborhood friend along on this cruise. It was fun to hang out.

                                                                   Cabo

                                                        Ensenada

                                                        My delightful daughter

                                                              Olive trees

This was our 'formal' night. I bought this dress at the market. I think I am a little bit Bohemian sometimes.

 

Our wait staff who were absolutely fantastic. They took great care of us with lots of humor that made our evenings delightful!

                                        A rainbow is ALWAYS a good sign!

                                                     I love being a Grandma!

56 YEARS AGO - A LIFETIME AGO

56 years ago on a cold winter's day Steve and I  were married in the Salt Lake Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Although we were young and naive, Steve was 21 and I was 19,  we were full of faith in the Lord and love for each other. It was our desire to raise up a family to the Lord and to live so that our sealing in the temple would allow our family to be together forever.

We had no idea what the future would bring but felt confident that together we could make it. Our years were filled with many miracles but also many hard times. We were blessed with 10 beautiful, healthy children who have grown up to be amazing humans and who seem to have mostly forgiven us for all of our parenting mistakes. It is a joy when I am able to be with them and their families. I know that Steve would have enjoyed this time of continued association with our families. But it was not to be. The Lord had other plans for him.

It has now been 1 year and 7 months since Steve died and I miss him. This time of being alone, and especially as I have been recovering from this back surgery, has provided ample opportunity  to reflect and remember. I have been reading old journals from the 1980's. Steve was a great journal keeper and wrote almost every single day. His entries help me remember so much. We had so many adventures together. We lived in Utah, Illinois, Colorado, Arizona, Texas, Washington, before finally settling back in Utah. When Steve retired his co-workers asked if we would now travel and he said "likely not" and yet we did travel. We visited Hawaii, Australia, Denmark, Canada, Germany, Wales, Ireland, Scotland, England and many states in the US.

Steve was truly the 'wind beneath my wings' and my 'safe harbor'. He supported me and encouraged me as I ventured out of my comfort zone. He loved me unconditionally. His healing hugs often saved my sanity. I am  grateful for the 54 years, 4 months and 19 days we had together. Before he died I told him that he "was the best thing that every happened to me" and I meant it.

Now I rely on strengthening memories to sustain me as I move out of my comfort zone. Ironically one of the things that has been hard for me is driving. It is so weird because I was the primary driver for many years after Steve had his accident in 1998. I drove thousands of miles all over the US and Europe, plus on the "other side of the road" in Australia and the UK. But getting behind the wheel after he died was hard. It is becoming more natural now but I have yet to drive over 200 miles. I hope that will change as I would like to drive to see our granddaughter's family in Wyoming and to see our children in Denver.

So, I press forward, still trying to figure out just who I am now. Thankfully I have my family, my friends, a comfortable home in which to live, a good car and the means to do some traveling. I appreciate all Steve did to provide for me. On this anniversary I will begin a new journey by taking  a cruise with our oldest daughter. It seems that going during this anniversary time would be a comforting and diverting  experience. Steve had absolutely no desire to ever go on a cruise - so this is brand new experience for me.

I am grateful for our marriage in the temple those 56 years ago and for my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that provides the way for families to be together forever. Someday I will be with Steve again and feel his healing hugs.

            Oh how young we were! and this was in 1972  after 5 years of marriage and 3 children.

                                       On a trip to Ruegen, Germany in 2014

The day we moved into our single level  home in Syracuse, 13 June 2020 - one year to the day before Steve left us.

A LEGACY OF MUSIC

It's interesting how much time is spent just thinking while I am in recovery from this back surgery. After reading many unimportant books and watching lots of unimportant TV I also occasionally will just sit and ponder. I was listening to some Mozart the other day and remembering many hours of hearing my daughter practice her flute. I miss that.

I also miss the busyness of early morning practicing. There was a time when every morning would be filled with strains of piano, violin, flute, drum pad, trumpet and later saxophone and clarinet and more flute and more trumpet and more piano and guitar. Music filled our home for countless hours for many years. I loved it and I miss it.

My hope was that each of our 10 children would learn to play the piano well enough to be serviceable  and able to play hymns at church if needed.  We also wanted our children to have the opportunity of enjoying music. They almost all went through the school band or orchestra programs and we attended lots of concerts. Marching band was also a big deal when our children went to Mountain Crest High School in Hyrum. Utah. There was even Mariachi Band when we lived in Los Fresnos, Texas.

Moving from Utah to Texas changed the dynamics of music in our home. Piano lessons were so  much more expensive  and bartering for lessons became a thing of the past. Sadly our younger children were not able to take piano lessons and my efforts to teach them usually resulted in tears. But somehow through band they learned to love music and even played a little piano.

Our old upright piano, a gift from my mother, served us well for many years. I enjoyed hearing our children practice and I also enjoyed playing duets for flute, trumpet and violin with some of our children. We also sang around the piano. Of course as the children grew up and moved away the piano was often quiet.  Then when we prepared to serve our mission in Australia and needed to store our furniture we found a new home for the piano where other children could learn to play and enjoy it.

Reflecting on my own musical journey brings many, many memories.  I became the recipient of my mother's wish to play the piano. She never had that opportunity but wanted her children to have that privilege. As immigrants trying to find our way in the world, money was not plentiful. But my father was truly amazing! Going along with my mother's dream for us to play the piano, he used his ingenuity to provide a way. 

One day he procured an old ornate pump organ from an elderly woman who had no further use for it. He stripped out the keyboard and the pump mechanism and got rid of the wooden cover. I wish someone had had the foresight to take  photos of the process. But my mind remembers.  He built a plain wooden box with a place for the key board. Inside the box he arranged the bellows and all that was needed to allow the keys to be played. He found a small vacuum which he attached to the bellows. When we wanted to play the "piano" we had only to plug in the vacuum cord and the keys became alive. So, at the ripe old age of 9, I had my first "piano" and lessons to learn to play.

When I was 12 years old our family  actually got our first real piano. It was beautiful and a wonderful surprise when we moved to our new home. Then I could learn to play staccato notes and learn the touch of actual piano keys as opposed to the soft touch of the organ. I took lessons a few more years but never became really proficient. My father often requested that I play La Paloma which was a favorite of his. My sister and brother far surpassed my ability although I was always pretty good at sight reading. I have always loved music. It was a gift my parents gave me in a rather unorthodox manner.

Not all of our children have continued to use their musical talents but all have an enjoyment of music. One of our sons is a composer and a music engineer in his home studio. Several of our children and grandchildren are proficient in various aspects of music, the guitar, voice and various instruments. There is a continuous thread of the musical enjoyment running through our family. My children saw to it that I have a nice electric piano in my home which I do play from time to time; and the grandchildren take full advantage when they visit. It makes me happy.

And now when I want to listen to music I just have to say " Alexa, play Mozart" or whatever I am in the mood to hear and it plays throughout my home for my enjoyment. Grateful thanks to my mother and my innovative father for my  musical journey and the legacy they left their posterity.

A beautiful sky in Newfoundland in lieu of piano photos.

I USED TO BE A GOOD COOK!!!

Food and I have a strange relationship. Ofttimes I wish someone would just bring me my meals all prepared and ready to eat. Sometimes I don't even like food and often I end up eating things I shouldn't since I have type 2 diabetes.

Today one of my daughters called to get the doughnut recipe I had used many years ago. We used to have doughnut Fridays with videos on the rented VHS machine we got at the local service station. I remember the counter covered with waiting dough which was cut into doughnut shapes and then deep fried. But I have not made doughnuts for at least 3 decades now.

Years later we had pizza and root beer float video nights. Homemade pizza was a regular occurrence at our house. Every one could add their own toppings. But now it has been some time since I have made a homemade pizza.

When all 10 children were still home I became a master at stretching our budget. I could make one chicken serve 12 people. I created many casseroles usually based on mushroom soup and/or canned tomatoes. [I would bottle 10 bushels of tomatoes and they would be bottled the way I like them in quarters with no skins.] Our garden yielded bushes of green beans and I also canned them. Every summer/fall we canned what even we could find -beans, tomatoes  peaches, pears, applesauce, cherries, etc usually about 500 quarts. And we froze corn, broccoli, spinach etc.  We always ate our breakfasts and dinner together. One of my sons said I was "a good cooker". I loved to make soups whether from soup bones of turkey carcasses. I made homemade noodles which were so good. My mother could never figure out how I could pull together ingredients to provide  a meal. But I did.

Our children grew up on homemade bread. My first effort at bread baking was actually funny. The outside looked so beautiful but when I tried to slice the bread I discovered the inside to be totally doughy. Over the years I got better at handling and kneading the bread dough. I had often made good sweet roll variations when I was in high school and I finally mastered the art of bread baking. At one point Wednesdays were set aside for baking and I would produce 20 loaves of bread, various batches of cookies and desserts much of which went into the freezer. Each of the children learned how to bake bread on their own. One son actually baked his own bread and sold sandwiches at high school to earn his own income.

Our family dynamics gradually changed with university and marriage. At one point my fridge was so full of leftovers by Fridays that Friday became leftover day. About that time I discovered that previously our boys had enjoyed a 4th meal past midnight sneaking downstairs and helping themselves so there were no leftovers. I had to adjust how much food I prepared.

Sooner than I would have thought Steve and I were back to only 2 of us for our meals. It wasn't as much fun to cook for only 2 and my recipes served so many more. We found that Sam's and Costco had lots of options that did not require much cooking. I pretty much stopped baking bread or even many cookies. I learned I had diabetes so it was not a good idea to have lots of cookies in the house  because I would eat them.

I would have been happy to get by with a peanut butter sandwich but Steve still wanted a real meal so I tried.

After Steve retired we served out mission in Sydney Australia and we often were too busy for me to really cook. We got used to quick food and fast food. The only thing I really prepared were Morning Glory Muffins which I often prepared for the missionaries for meetings we had. Then on our 8 1/2 month family history trip to Wales and Europe there were few opportunities to cook and we learned to love  the soups and wonderful soda bread.

We arrived home and began  to settle into our new life when Steve had his first stroke. That changed everything because I could no longer cook for him when he was in the hospital and I just grabbed what ever was available. A short few weeks in our daughter's home when she tried to tempt him with various dishes. Then we were in our new one level home in Syracuse. But Steve pretty much liked mac and cheese, and other easy dishes. I ate whatever. As Steve declined food became less and less important. And then he died. And I didn't really care what I ate.

There are things that sound good but when I actually cook I don't much care for what I make. It is strange because  food prep used to be such a huge factor in my life. Now it is a nuisance.

Our children have been wonderful in that they have scheduled visits with me on Sundays and they bring dinner, often leaving me an extra meal of leftovers. 

I look at my old recipe box which is falling apart. It is stuffed  with so many recipes that used to be a part of  my life and there are many good memories there. I enjoy when some of my children ask for recipes they remember. But I think my cooking days are gone. Gone are the days when I cooked a huge Mexican food meal over Christmas, when I made dozens of pizzas for my children friends, when I made lots of good winter soups, when I had a lot of people over for Sunday dinners, when I set a pretty table and filled it with good food.  I am not sure I am even a 'good cooker' anymore.

Now that I am alone I guess it is time to find a new way to cook and prepare food and set my table. Occasionally I see a recipe or think of a certain food and feel a pull to cook again. But it seems there are other interests and time consumers that pull me away; the creative writing  class, my back surgery,  my travel plans, and my own laziness.

Food is definitely interesting. I think I have "love-hate" relationship with it.