ALONE IS STILL ALONE

 Isn't it strange how the days just mesh together and soon a week is passed, and then a month, etc. Time just relentlessly moves forward. And now it has been 2 years, 4 months and 6 days since Steve departed this earth life.[June 13, 2021] It is surreal. Somedays it seems like yesterday and others it seems a very long time ago.

I miss him! I miss his hugs, his love, his support. I miss the dreams we shared. I miss his companionship, his arm around my shoulder, his quirky humor. I miss our shared Church service. I just miss HIM!

Much has happened since he left. 

Seattle trip with my son and family. Alabama for Thanksgiving and New York with a grandson.

There were my 5 amazing weeks of traveling the Eastern Provinces of Canada with my sister in summer 2022. And then her extended visit to Utah in October 2022. [We are good travel companions and will be taking a Viking River Cruise in November '24]

The Villa ladies went to San Diego for a few days in August 2022.  I really enjoyed their company.

I had back surgery in  December 2022 to have my L4 and L5 vertebrates fused. It went well and my recovery is great although I still need to get more stamina.

My daughter and I enjoyed 5 days of Renew '23 on a cruise ship which catered to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We enjoyed a fantastic fare of speakers and musical offerings including the Piano Guys, Nathan Pacheco, David Osmond and the Osmond Chapman band, etc.

There was a quick trip to San Diego with my daughter's family when my grandson's band played on a US carrier. My daughter also drove with me to Yuma to visit a high school friend. After, we also visited another good friend in San Diego.

The Villa Ladies took a cruise in spring of 2023 starting in Long Beach with stops in San Francisco, Astoria, Victoria and then flying home from Vancouver, BC.  They are lovely ladies and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first of my, hopefully many, "grandma trips" happened during my grandson's spring break in April 2023. We packed our 6 days in Paris with many experiences and I loved our time together!

The second "grandma trip" was a 10 day safari in June with two other grandsons. We marked the 2nd anniversary of Steve's death in Tanzania. It was so GREAT to spend time with them and I plan to blog about our time soon. 

When we got home I found myself at loose ends not knowing what to do with myself. It is not as if there is nothing to do because I still have a LOT of sorting and organizing to do.

But it was so empty and without purpose. I realized that I had been 'running away' in my travels. I remember the first time I went somewhere  and came home anxious to tell Steve all about it only to find an empty house.

I can't really complain because I live in a very nice house and I have a very nice dependable car and enough means to be comfortable. But I am alone.

My family has been very good to me. I see the 5 of my children who live in Utah on a regular basis as they take turns bringing themselves with dinner to my house.  Someone is here almost every Sunday. Those who live out of state are pretty good about calling and texting and visiting as well. And I also see grandchildren. One of my grandsons lived with me this past summer as he prepared to go to BYUI.

The neighbors are good and kind. This summer I made good use of the swimming pool by our clubhouse to do my pool therapy. It is closed now til next summer so I am trying to walk to increase my stamina. But my back and hips don't like that idea every much. And I am kind of lazy and must force myself.

I have enjoyed my zinnias and a few tomatoes in the small ground space around my patio. I put away the cushions for my patio furniture yesterday and now must sweep away the fallen leaves.

Fall is a beautiful time of year and one day I even drove up to Huntsville to see the hill covered with colored leaves.

One of my bucket list items is in process. I signed up for a ceramics class and have actually thrown a few pots on the wheel. The next class begins next week. It is fun for me. I am anxious to see how things turned out after they were glazed.

But sometimes I am just here alone and struggling. Sometimes I don't want to be around people because I just don't have enough emotional band width to deal with people. I have watched so MANY TV programs and movies, listened to MANY books, read some books while recovering from surgery and trying   to survive this new experience of being a widow.  I am learning a lot about myself and it is easy to armchair quarterback my life and realize all the things I did wrong. It has been hard to learn to forgive myself for those things - it is an ongoing process.

I am trying to get myself on a regular schedule: regular scripture reading, piano practicing, exercising, drinking enough water, writing in my journal, etc. I am trying to attend the temple once a week and spend some time visiting with Heavenly Father. I am trying to write my missionary grandsons weekly - one serving in Missouri, another in Manaus Brazil. Old projects are being resurrected, like sewing together quilts tops from squares cut out by my daughters and me almost 20 years ago.

There are 4 trips planned for 2024: to Cancun with the Villa ladies in January, to Japan for another 'grandma trip' with 3 sibling grandchildren in May, and another to Denmark with another grandson in July and then the Viking cruise with my sister in November traveling from Amsterdam to Budapest for 15 days.

But there are MANY, MANY papers to be sorted. There are 5 file drawers in my garage full of Steve's old stuff. I am sure most of them just need to be shredded but I did find a $50 gift card for Home Depot and a $25 gift card to Costco. So who knows what else may be hiding. But it takes an emotional toll to go through those things. 

I think I will have to live to be 120 years old to accomplish all the projects. Since we know that will not happen I  need to just push onward. I just do not want to leave my children with a big mess to sort when I leave this earth.

In December I will bring my 8 year old granddaughter to Denver to visit her soon to be 8 year old cousin for her baptism. This time we will fly but this summer I did drive to Denver to visit my daughters and then on to Douglas, WY to visit my granddaughter and her sweet family. That was a big deal to me that I could do the drive myself.

So it all sounds great and like I am doing well. And I guess looking from the outside you can say that I am. But there are many days when I am not OK, when I hibernate and hide in my house. There are many nights when I cannot get to sleep and end up finally falling asleep in my recliner with the TV still on. 

But I am grateful for my many blessings not the least of which are my posterity. From just Steve and me in our humble beginnings we have grown to about 80 people and I am grateful for each one of them. And, yes, I do know the names of all the grand children and grand children! 

And we were blessed with another great daughter and another great grandson this spring!

I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation which will allow me to see Steve again and to spend Eternity with him and our family. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to lose him if I did not think I would see him again. I am grateful for my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It brings me peace and comfort.

But at the end of the day, I miss Steve. Alone is still alone.

                         Steve at the temple grounds of the London Temple in May 2019

 

SACRIFICE, SELFISHNESS, SELF CARE, SANITY

 

I really love to see beautiful skies! Seeing them  help fill my well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about sacrifice, selfishness, self  care and sanity and how they apply in my life. Part of the grieving process is figuring all that out. I am still visiting a therapist bi-weekly who gives me a good sounding board and often directs my thoughts to areas I had not previously considered.

It seems strange that I am a widow.  Most of my life has been spent as a wife and mother. I was blessed to marry Steve who was a good man. He loved me and we had many adventures together. Not the least of which was parenthood. And I am very grateful to be a mother, a grandmother, and a great grandmother. It is amazing to think that my 10 children have turned out to be pretty awesome humans. It is amazing to realize that from Steve and me have come almost 80 descendants  to our family. I love my family and am grateful for this time in my life to interact with them all. I love that I see the 5 of my children who live near and some of the grandchildren who live near on a pretty regular basis and am always grateful when those farther away come to visit or text or call.

But it is still strange to be a widow. I am still not sure just what that looks like. I know I am alone, of course, but I am still trying to figure things out.

I have learned that I can go to bed when I want. I can get up when I want - even though I seem unable to sleep more than 5-6 hours at a time. I can get dressed, if and, when I want. I can choose what I want to eat. I can be social, or not,  if I want. I can read or watch TV or do other  "stuff" if I want. I have also learned that I miss the structure of life that comes in a family. So, I have to figure out what kind of structure I want now that I am alone.

 I know I need more exercise to stay healthy and in shape but that has been frustrated as I am still recovering from back surgery. I am recovering but still have pains in my legs. I think I need a chiropractic adjustment but I cannot do that until after I visit the doctor on March 22 and get an X-ray and hopefully a green light for normal activities. It was good to be on the cruise and be forced to walk as much as I was. Crazy to think we walked 1-2 miles per day just on the ship going back and forth from our room ,to dining, to entertainment.  But I came home feeling like my body could move better. I have been trying to walk regularly but the cold snowy weather has made that difficult and the reality is that I am kind of lazy.

I have been reading my scriptures regularly and have scheduled weekly temple attendance so that is a start at creating a structure.  

But I really do want to do "more". My therapist told me to be aware of what I actually do each day; but feeling like I have to always be doing "more"  is just ingrained in my personality that I must be doing. She introduced the term "self care" when I told her that I had chosen not to attend  social event I had been planning to attend. I had to think  a lot about that term to finally figure out that I do not need to do something just because other people might expect me to do it.

Then I have been thinking about how much of my life has been governed by my perception of what others expect. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I want. So, as I have been reading books and watching TV the back of my mind has been busy trying to figure that out.

Anyone who is a parent knows full well that parenthood is synonymous with sacrifice. We just cannot raise children without sacrificing sleep, time, energy, hobbies, etc. That is just the way it is and I have no regrets for sacrificing so much for my 10 children. And if I had a chance to do it all over again I would jump at it hoping only that I could be a better parent. And we make these sacrifices because we love our children. And it was our desire to 'raise up our family to the Lord'.

Trying to be obedient to the Lord's commandments also involves sacrifice as we spend our time and means to serve the Lord. I would never change our efforts  that way either. I was grateful for the opportunity to speak in Stake Conference a week ago because it gave me a chance to serve and to share my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

There are times when it is right to sacrifice. And there are times when I/we need to pull into ourselves and allow some self care. That is not being selfish. That is filling our wells so we can move forward. There have been many times when I have over extended myself and come close to damaging my sanity. In fact I know that I have damaged my sanity at times.

Sometimes in my life I have had to just stop and pull in and try to reset myself. Sometimes I have to learn to say "no" when I really can't go or do what others may expect from me. And that is OK. But it is a process to learn the balance.

My daughter-in-law found a poster years ago which featured a large elephant balancing on  a small ball which I think was actually representing the world. I suspect we all feel like we have to balance "everything". But we don't. 

There was a conference talk by Elder Dallin H Oaks  a few years back about making good choices. He talked about "good, better and best " choices. I just reread it and appreciate the good counsel he gave. 

I am attaching a link to his talk in case you are interested.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng

As I move forward with my life  I am trying to figure out which choices are 'best' for me and my family. Sadly I still waste a lot of time being unproductive. I need to learn to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to somehow step back and see the full picture and figure out what I want and why I want it and then move forward.