Isn't it strange how the days just mesh together and soon a week is passed, and then a month, etc. Time just relentlessly moves forward. And now it has been 2 years, 4 months and 6 days since Steve departed this earth life.[June 13, 2021] It is surreal. Somedays it seems like yesterday and others it seems a very long time ago.
I miss him! I miss his hugs, his love, his support. I miss the dreams we shared. I miss his companionship, his arm around my shoulder, his quirky humor. I miss our shared Church service. I just miss HIM!
Much has happened since he left.
Seattle trip with my son and family. Alabama for Thanksgiving and New York with a grandson.
There were my 5 amazing weeks of traveling the Eastern Provinces of Canada with my sister in summer 2022. And then her extended visit to Utah in October 2022. [We are good travel companions and will be taking a Viking River Cruise in November '24]
The Villa ladies went to San Diego for a few days in August 2022. I really enjoyed their company.
I had back surgery in December 2022 to have my L4 and L5 vertebrates fused. It went well and my recovery is great although I still need to get more stamina.
My daughter and I enjoyed 5 days of Renew '23 on a cruise ship which catered to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We enjoyed a fantastic fare of speakers and musical offerings including the Piano Guys, Nathan Pacheco, David Osmond and the Osmond Chapman band, etc.
There was a quick trip to San Diego with my daughter's family when my grandson's band played on a US carrier. My daughter also drove with me to Yuma to visit a high school friend. After, we also visited another good friend in San Diego.
The Villa Ladies took a cruise in spring of 2023 starting in Long Beach with stops in San Francisco, Astoria, Victoria and then flying home from Vancouver, BC. They are lovely ladies and I enjoyed spending time with them.
The first of my, hopefully many, "grandma trips" happened during my grandson's spring break in April 2023. We packed our 6 days in Paris with many experiences and I loved our time together!
The second "grandma trip" was a 10 day safari in June with two other grandsons. We marked the 2nd anniversary of Steve's death in Tanzania. It was so GREAT to spend time with them and I plan to blog about our time soon.
When we got home I found myself at loose ends not knowing what to do with myself. It is not as if there is nothing to do because I still have a LOT of sorting and organizing to do.
But it was so empty and without purpose. I realized that I had been 'running away' in my travels. I remember the first time I went somewhere and came home anxious to tell Steve all about it only to find an empty house.
I can't really complain because I live in a very nice house and I have a very nice dependable car and enough means to be comfortable. But I am alone.
My family has been very good to me. I see the 5 of my children who live in Utah on a regular basis as they take turns bringing themselves with dinner to my house. Someone is here almost every Sunday. Those who live out of state are pretty good about calling and texting and visiting as well. And I also see grandchildren. One of my grandsons lived with me this past summer as he prepared to go to BYUI.
The neighbors are good and kind. This summer I made good use of the swimming pool by our clubhouse to do my pool therapy. It is closed now til next summer so I am trying to walk to increase my stamina. But my back and hips don't like that idea every much. And I am kind of lazy and must force myself.
I have enjoyed my zinnias and a few tomatoes in the small ground space around my patio. I put away the cushions for my patio furniture yesterday and now must sweep away the fallen leaves.
Fall is a beautiful time of year and one day I even drove up to Huntsville to see the hill covered with colored leaves.
One of my bucket list items is in process. I signed up for a ceramics class and have actually thrown a few pots on the wheel. The next class begins next week. It is fun for me. I am anxious to see how things turned out after they were glazed.
But sometimes I am just here alone and struggling. Sometimes I don't want to be around people because I just don't have enough emotional band width to deal with people. I have watched so MANY TV programs and movies, listened to MANY books, read some books while recovering from surgery and trying to survive this new experience of being a widow. I am learning a lot about myself and it is easy to armchair quarterback my life and realize all the things I did wrong. It has been hard to learn to forgive myself for those things - it is an ongoing process.
I am trying to get myself on a regular schedule: regular scripture reading, piano practicing, exercising, drinking enough water, writing in my journal, etc. I am trying to attend the temple once a week and spend some time visiting with Heavenly Father. I am trying to write my missionary grandsons weekly - one serving in Missouri, another in Manaus Brazil. Old projects are being resurrected, like sewing together quilts tops from squares cut out by my daughters and me almost 20 years ago.
There are 4 trips planned for 2024: to Cancun with the Villa ladies in January, to Japan for another 'grandma trip' with 3 sibling grandchildren in May, and another to Denmark with another grandson in July and then the Viking cruise with my sister in November traveling from Amsterdam to Budapest for 15 days.
But there are MANY, MANY papers to be sorted. There are 5 file drawers in my garage full of Steve's old stuff. I am sure most of them just need to be shredded but I did find a $50 gift card for Home Depot and a $25 gift card to Costco. So who knows what else may be hiding. But it takes an emotional toll to go through those things.
I think I will have to live to be 120 years old to accomplish all the projects. Since we know that will not happen I need to just push onward. I just do not want to leave my children with a big mess to sort when I leave this earth.
In December I will bring my 8 year old granddaughter to Denver to visit her soon to be 8 year old cousin for her baptism. This time we will fly but this summer I did drive to Denver to visit my daughters and then on to Douglas, WY to visit my granddaughter and her sweet family. That was a big deal to me that I could do the drive myself.
So it all sounds great and like I am doing well. And I guess looking from the outside you can say that I am. But there are many days when I am not OK, when I hibernate and hide in my house. There are many nights when I cannot get to sleep and end up finally falling asleep in my recliner with the TV still on.
But I am grateful for my many blessings not the least of which are my posterity. From just Steve and me in our humble beginnings we have grown to about 80 people and I am grateful for each one of them. And, yes, I do know the names of all the grand children and grand children!
And we were blessed with another great daughter and another great grandson this spring!
I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation which will allow me to see Steve again and to spend Eternity with him and our family. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to lose him if I did not think I would see him again. I am grateful for my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It brings me peace and comfort.
But at the end of the day, I miss Steve. Alone is still alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment