Finding My Way Forward: FALL AND FAMILY

Fall is a reminder that life brings constant change, issuing challenges to enjoy the moments before they pass.

Today has been an interesting day.

My kaleidoscope of thoughts has taken me in many directions. My 8 week creative writing course is done. I learned a lot about writing and even about myself. Our assignment was to write a paper on the theme of sadness using 2-3 different writing genres. I wrote about my great great grandparents and was happy with the result.

My sister asked what I would write about next and I realized I need to continue writing stories for Our Miraculous Journey which Steve and I began several years ago. We had been chronicling the miracles we have experienced in our lives which we began when one of our younger daughters had asked "what miracles?" in a discussion. We realized that our older children would not know details of some miracles after they moved from home and the younger children would not know details before their birth or when they were very young so Steve and I decided to write them down and give everyone a copy so our family could know their spiritual heritage.

For a few years we would send a few stories every Christmas but when it came time to write about the 80's I just could not! After several attempts and being interrupted by our mission to Australia [jenkinsaustralianmission.blogspot.com] and our family history travels to Europe [furtheradventuresofsteveandliz.blogspot.com] it all got pushed aside. It really is time to move forward but I have come to realize I have some sort of PTSD for those years because they were so hard even with miracles.

Back to this morning. As I lay in bed I was thinking about a couple of experiences with my mother during my growing up years that were really difficult and traumatic. I have been thinking about putting them on paper. I guess these experiences are some of those things I need to take out, deal with and grieve over one at a time before I can let them go. Then, as I lay there thinking about it, into my mind crept some things I inflicted on a couple of my sons and I realized that those things were right up there with what my mother had done to me. I all of a sudden realized that I need to forgive my mother for that trauma and just put it away. And hope my sons will forgive me if they have not already. I am not sure just what that looks like. But I definitely recognized that I need to forgive.

You would think that was enough epiphanies for one day but then I went to church. Sadly I slept through part of the 1st talk and the violin solo and then all of a sudden woke up as the next speaker was telling about his experiences in Mexico on his mission. He had been in a group of missionaries who were attacked, robbed and held hostage. No one was harmed but there were harrowing moments. At one point one of the perpetrators asked "Where is your God now?"

This young man proceeded to talk about how God is always with us but that we need our difficult experiences to grow. He quoted part of Doctrine and Covenants 121 which occurred when Joseph Smith was incarcerated in Liberty jail under terrible physical conditions, as well as very difficult circumstances for church members. He asked "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?". In verse 7 the Lord responds "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over thy foes."

As I heard those words my kaleidoscope shifted giving me a clearer understanding of our "seven years of famine" in the 80's and I realized how to begin the writing process about our experiences in those years. I remember telling a friend once that it seemed God had left us on our own for a time because there had been so many difficult things. It is amazing what can happen when your perspective changes to be more correct.

My mind is always working behind the scenes. I suppose that is necessary for me.

Just last week my sister returned to Toronto after spending a month in Utah with me. I was so glad she came even if we did not get as much family history done as we had at first hoped. She helped me shift my paradigm back to working on family history so that I can move forward. With everything going on for a few years I have not been into family history for awhile. Writing my paper on my great great grandparents also helped bring me back into that world.

It is nice to know we still get along. We actually did work on some family history, a bit of organizing, we found a marriage we did not have, she uploaded family pictures to FamilySearch and created some timelines We spent a lot of 'down time' just reading or watching TV but we also played a little. We drove the Alpine loop in Utah county enjoying the spectacular display of autumn color. We spent time with family including a gathering of about 30 people including my children, our brother and his family and our cousins. We drove to southern Utah and took in the majestic sights of Zions National Park and the amazing formations in Bryce Canyon. I had never been there and it was awesome!

I am still moving slower than I wish. My plantar fasciitis is about 85% healed but I am struggling with walking very much. After some doctor visits it has been determined that I have Spondylolisthesis which is causing some issues with my legs and lower back. It sounds like I will need some back surgery to fuse L4 and L5 but that scares me. Right now I have a LOT of exercises from the physical therapist so we will see how it goes. Next spring/summer is very full with plans and trips so I could not possibly consider surgery until July. I guess I just need more info before I make a decision, and lots of exercises.

This evening one of our sons and his family came to visit and then our daughter and her family dropped by. It is so nice to be surrounded by those I love and who appear to love me. It has truly been an interesting day!

In a few days another daughter and her family from Colorado will visit for Thanksgiving. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I miss Steve and his hugs and his foot rubs. I am grateful for my many blessings, especially the Plan of Salvation which teaches that we can be together forever.