I have been struggling with opposition. While I was in Canada I felt like I had broken through an emotional barrier and was prepared to move forward. I was excited to 'get on with my life'. I was tired after our long trek through the Canadian Provinces and it was good to be home. After a couple of weeks I joined some other widows in our area on a fun trip to San Diego.
It was on my way home when I began to feel ill. At first I worried about Covid but took two at home tests that were both negative. Then after another week of not feeling well. I finally went to see the doctor. Of course they tested me and I was positive for Covid. Now I don't know if the other tests were defective or if Covid developed long the way. The doctor prescribed some medication to "keep me out of the hospital" and I began to improve almost immediately. However I also discovered that I had some urinary tract issues and was given 2 other medications, all of that along with the plantar fasciitis which made it hard for me to walk. I am improving but I have no idea how long it will take me to get my strength back. Although I still feel like the emotional fog has lifted as mentioned in my last post, I feel like I am being held back physically.
Even the smallest amount of activity leaves me wiped out. And it is very hard to stay motivated when I am exhausted and wiped out. So, I have been suffering with lots of of opposition.
So, what it opposition? For me it feeling like I cannot move forward in my chosen direction because of the road blocks in my way. Even though I alphabetized my credenza I have hardly had enough energy to organize papers into files. I find myself only able to work with a few items per day. I will have made some progress before my sister arrives this Sunday but there is still so much to do. I can do only a fraction of what I used to which is frustrating.
I suppose I have been feeling sorry for myself but then I remember that we need opposition to help us grow. I read over Nephi's words in 2 Nephi chapter 2, in particular verse 11.
11 For it must needs be, that there is an aopposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
That whole chapter [in the Book of Mormon] is worth reading but that particular verse reminds me that I need to experience opposition in my life to grow. Not having energy to physically do much is very frustrating and yet it has given me a good opportunity for reflection and pondering. I have read several "fluff" books and watched several TV programs and even played games on my phone which have become rather boring. But in the background my mind has been working full time.
I realized that during my whole life I have been a "Martha" worrying about all the "things" that needed doing. I have rarely taken time to enjoy the moment but instead have been worried about how to facilitate what needed to come next. Maybe that is what comes from having many children to manage but I know that it has meant that I have missed enjoying special moments because I worried about other things. And I grieve for the loss of those special moments. I grieve for the times when I allowed myself to be "too busy" or preoccupied with life to be in the moment with a child or grandchild. And I missed special moments with them. Coming face to face with another shortcoming is humbling to say the least.
So, now at 75 years old, I need to switch gears and learn to enjoy and cultivate the moments. I cannot redeem the lost moments but I can do my best to BE HERE in the future. With understanding comes growth. And I am trying to grow.
Last week I attended the first of 8 weeks of a creative writing class. It was good to be there and I feel anxious to learn. It will be a challenge but I am excited about it. I will postpone the art class for a few weeks so I can spend time with my sister. But I have been watching a program on BYUTV called Artful that has taught me much. Each program features 2 artists and it has been very insightful not only to see their work but to hear their thoughts. I feel like all of these experiences are stretching me.
After Steve died I felt like I needed more time on this earth to learn more. And I still believe that. I realize that there are still long conversations to be had with Heavenly Father so I can come to understand better what He wants and needs me to do. I am grateful for the increased understanding that is coming my way.
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