I woke up Sunday morning without the fog in my mind. It has been there for so long I could immediately tell it was gone. I felt alive and even enthusiastic about moving forward.
It appears I am actually over Covid! Yeah! So grateful for good medications. That Paxlovid prescription was very effective. Just hope I can have all of this behind me and gain my strength back soon. Although I still missed Church I had one of my more meaningful Sabbath day experiences as I watched a few programs on BYU TV that caused me to go even deeper in my ponderings. I am grateful for Zoom technology that allowed me to watch my granddaughter and daughter give talks in their ward in Colorado. And also to view my own ward here in Utah. However I am looking forward to actually attending church next week when I hope to be stronger. It will be Stake Conference.
Although my thoughts and feelings are running deep it is difficult to find the correct words to express what I am feeling. And I am hesitant to post this entry because it is so very personal.
September is already here and yet I am still waiting for summer to come. It is impossible to realize that the summer has passed and that my long awaited trip to Canada with my sister has come and passed into memory. I have amazing memories of our time together but somehow I am still waiting for summer to come and it is strange to see the zinnias in my little garden show signs of fall.
Over the course of our vacation, the many talks with my sister and so much beautiful nature in front of me, I felt my heart loosen up and I was finally able to cry. I have always been an emotional person but after Steve died it seemed I bottled it all up. It was good to cry again because I knew I needed to but I find it annoying that I cry so frequently now, especially during none emotional events - like walking in a gift shop. That loosening also helped open some of my creative juices again. I began to feel like I could do things again.
Actually I have come to realize that I have held my self in check for many years due to various circumstances. All of my emotions have been bottled up culminating with Steve's death. As a result I have felt it impossible to work on my family history, to read certain passages of scripture or even to watch some general conference talks because doing that brought me closer to emotion I was afraid to express. I began to wonder and worry a little that I was losing my testimony. But as I have loosened up I realize that I held so many things in check for a long time to protect myself and my testimony is doing fine.
As the day progressed it occurred to me that I have never really allowed myself to grieve over several things and that I just held myself closer and closer in check to prevent myself from falling apart. I began to reflect on the things that have happened that caused grief but which I tried not to deal with. Over the years there have been several major events that I have avoided and not allowed myself to grieve.
Originally I had listed those events but I decided it would not be appropriate to include in this blog as they are too personal and ofttimes have included other people. So, I deleted them.
The loss of identity and self confidence from these events combined have caused me to doubt my worth and abilities.
With each event I had to maintain control because I was in charge of a family who needed my care and/or there were others who depended on me. Although I wept from time to time I was not able to really grieve. The totality of it all caused me to retreat inside of myself. Over the years I became less open with Steve and I know he felt that loss.
It is understandable but not OK that I have held things inside. It was good to let the tears come, and they keep coming. I realize I need to properly grieve each event before I can move forward. And now that I realize the need I am working on it. As I examine each event I have to put them in their correct place which is in the past. As I am able to do that I feel lighter and more free.
It was a good day on Sunday though, because I was actually able to alphabetize the files in my credenza. That does not sound like a big deal but since they are mostly family history files it is a big deal. It is now done and will allow me a place to sort things I have been unable to file for several years.
I also have begun to have thoughts of things I want to do, like find a way to release my desires to be artistic that are hidden deep inside. I also want to write. I just hope I will have enough courage to move ahead in that way. Next week I plan to begin an art class. We will see how that goes.
The organizing is ongoing. I work at it until I start to 'short out' and then I stop and go read or watch TV. I saw a quote that I like. "We tend to forget that baby steps still move us forward" And some days it is all I can do to sort 3 items. But it is 3 items that are now sorted.
So, as the fog lifts and I see more clearly my path forward I am grateful for baby steps and hope.
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