AH YES OPPOSITION IS VERY REAL!

August Sunset in Syracuse.

 I have been struggling with opposition. While I was in Canada I felt like I had broken through an emotional barrier and was prepared to move forward. I was excited to 'get on with my life'. I was tired after our long trek through the Canadian Provinces and it was good to be home. After a couple of weeks I joined some other widows in our area on a fun trip to San Diego.

It was on my way home when I began to feel ill. At first I worried about Covid but took two at home tests that were both negative. Then after another  week of not feeling well. I finally went to see the doctor. Of course they tested me and I was positive for Covid. Now I don't know if the other tests were defective or if Covid developed long the way. The doctor prescribed some medication to "keep me out of the hospital" and I began to improve almost immediately. However I also discovered that I had  some urinary tract issues and was given 2 other medications, all of  that along with the plantar fasciitis which made it hard for me to walk. I am improving  but  I have no idea how long it will take me to get my strength back. Although I still feel like the emotional fog has lifted as mentioned in my last post, I feel like I am being held back physically.

Even the smallest amount of activity leaves me wiped out. And it is very hard to stay motivated when I am exhausted and wiped out. So, I have been suffering with lots of of opposition.

So, what it opposition? For me it feeling like I cannot move forward in my chosen direction because of the  road blocks in my way. Even though I alphabetized my credenza I have hardly had enough energy to organize papers into  files. I find myself only able to work with a few items per day. I will have made some progress  before my sister arrives this Sunday but there is still so much to do.  I can do only a fraction of what I used to which is frustrating.

I suppose I have been feeling sorry for myself but then I remember that we need opposition to help us grow. I read over Nephi's words in 2 Nephi chapter 2, in particular verse 11.

11 For it must needs be, that there is an ^aopposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

That whole chapter [in the Book of Mormon] is worth reading but that particular verse reminds me that I need to experience opposition in my life to grow. Not having energy to physically do much is very frustrating and yet it has given me a good opportunity for reflection and pondering. I have read several "fluff" books and watched several TV programs and even played games on my phone which have become rather boring. But in the background my mind has been working full time.

I realized that during my whole life I have been a "Martha" worrying  about all the "things" that needed doing. I have rarely taken time to enjoy the moment but instead have been worried about how to facilitate what needed to come next. Maybe that is what comes from having many children to manage but I know that it has meant that I have missed enjoying special moments because I worried about other things. And I grieve for the loss of those special moments. I grieve for the times when I allowed myself to be "too busy" or preoccupied with life to be in the moment with a child or grandchild. And I missed special moments with them. Coming face to face with another  shortcoming is humbling to say the least.

So, now at 75 years old,  I need to switch gears and learn to enjoy and cultivate the moments. I cannot redeem the lost moments but I can do my best to BE HERE in the future. With understanding comes growth. And I am trying to grow.

Last week I attended the first of 8 weeks of a creative writing class. It was good to be there and I feel anxious to learn. It will be a challenge but I am excited about it. I will postpone the art class for a few weeks so I can spend time with my sister. But I have been watching a program on BYUTV called Artful that has taught me much. Each program features 2 artists and it has been very insightful  not only to see their work but to hear their thoughts. I feel like all of these experiences are stretching me.

After Steve died I felt like I needed more time on this earth to learn more.  And I still believe that. I realize that there are still long conversations to be had with Heavenly Father so I can come to understand better what He wants and needs me to do. I am grateful for the increased understanding that is coming my way.

THE FOG IS LIFTING

 I woke up Sunday morning without the fog in my mind. It has been there for so long I could immediately tell it was gone. I felt alive and even enthusiastic about moving forward.

It appears I am actually over Covid! Yeah!  So grateful for good medications. That Paxlovid prescription was very effective. Just hope I can have all of this behind me and gain my strength back soon. Although I still missed Church I had one of my more meaningful Sabbath day experiences as I watched a few programs on BYU TV that caused me to go even deeper in my ponderings. I am grateful for Zoom technology that allowed me to watch my granddaughter and daughter give talks in their ward in Colorado. And also to view my own ward here in Utah. However I am looking forward to actually attending church next week when I hope to be stronger. It will be Stake Conference.

Although my thoughts and feelings are running deep it is difficult to find the correct words to express what I am feeling. And I am hesitant to post this entry because it is so very personal.

September is already here and yet I am still waiting for summer to come. It is impossible to realize that the summer has passed and that my long awaited trip to Canada with my sister has come and passed into memory. I have amazing memories of our time together  but somehow I am still waiting for summer to come and it is strange to see the zinnias in my little garden show signs of fall.

Over the course of our vacation, the many talks with my sister and so much beautiful nature in front of me, I felt my heart loosen up and I was finally  able to cry. I have always been an emotional person but after Steve died it seemed I bottled it all up. It was good to cry again because I knew I needed to but I find it annoying that I cry so frequently now, especially during none emotional events - like walking in a gift shop.  That loosening also helped open some of my creative juices again. I began to feel like I could do things again. 

Actually I have come to realize that  I have held my self in check for many years due to various circumstances. All of my emotions have been bottled up culminating with Steve's death. As a result I have felt it impossible to work on my family history, to read certain passages of scripture or even to watch some general conference talks because doing that brought me closer to emotion I was afraid to express. I began to wonder and worry a little that I was losing my testimony. But as I have loosened up I realize that I held so many  things in check for a long time to protect myself and my testimony is doing fine.

As the day progressed it occurred to me that I have never really allowed myself to grieve over several things and that I just held myself closer and closer in check to prevent  myself from falling apart. I began to reflect on  the things that have happened that caused grief but which I tried not to deal with. Over the years there have been several major events that I have avoided and not allowed myself to grieve.

Originally I had listed those events but I decided it would not be appropriate to include in this blog as they are too personal and ofttimes have included other people. So,  I deleted them.

The loss of identity and self confidence from these events  combined have caused me to doubt my worth and abilities.

With each event I had to maintain control because I was in charge of a family who needed my care and/or there were others who depended on me. Although I wept from time to time I was not able to really grieve. The totality of it all caused me to retreat inside of myself. Over the years I became less open with Steve and I know he felt that loss.

It is understandable but not OK that I have held things inside. It was good to let the tears come, and they keep coming. I realize I need to properly grieve each event before I can move forward. And now that I realize the need I am working on it. As I examine each event I have to put them in their correct place which is in the past. As I am able to do that I feel lighter and more free.

It was a good day on Sunday though, because I was actually able to alphabetize the files in my credenza. That does not sound like a big deal but since they are mostly family history files it is a big deal. It is now done and will allow me a place to sort things I have been unable to file for several years.

I also have begun to have thoughts of things I want to do, like find a way to release my desires to be artistic that are hidden deep inside. I also want to write. I just hope I will have enough courage to move ahead in that way. Next week I plan to begin an art class. We will see how that goes.

The organizing is ongoing. I work at it until I start to 'short out' and then I stop and go read or watch TV. I saw a quote that I like. "We tend to forget that baby steps still move us forward" And some days it is all I can do to sort 3 items. But it is 3 items that are now sorted.

So, as the fog lifts and I see more clearly my path forward I am grateful for baby steps and hope.

 Beach at Lincoln City, Oregon 2013