Almost 5 months ago Steve left us. In some ways it seems so very long ago and in others it seems like  just last week. It is still weird when I call on medical bills and they ask what my relationship is to him and I have to say 'widow'. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like to be a widow and I am trying to find my way. I have also realized that I am not alone in this new role and my angst has been shared over and over. But it is new to me!

The nights are long and it is often hard to fall asleep. But then when morning comes I am ready to stay asleep.

Of course there have been the many bills and notices and wrongly filed medical charges. Gradually things are being resolved but it has been slow going. I finally got my health insurance cards, life insurance has been paid, social security is on track. But then I got a call from a provider who wanted me to call Medicare to make some adjustments. I called only to discover that they did not know Steve had died and could not make changes without his permission which of course he could not give. So I had to send off a copy of the death certificate and wait to call them after it was received. I will be so glad when all of that is DONE!

I let the children and grandchildren look thru Steve's clothes and take what they wanted. It is fun to see that they use his shirts, etc. But of course there was a lot left. I don't think I realized how many nice clothes Steve had in his closet. I gave the bulk to the Lady Lions for their garage sale. Don't know how much was sold or how much was saved for a planned Christmas event where families could come and choose gifts. I still have some shoes, socks, etc which I plan to take to the homeless shelter. I know it would make Steve happy to think his things could help others. He was always thinking of others.

It still feels like Steve should come walking through the door and give me a hug. He gave the best hugs!!! And I miss him. There are lots of 'things' that were important to Steve still in drawers. I have decided to put them in storage buckets and let the family look at them and see if they want anything. It is interesting what memorabilia is left at the end of a life.

Steve's funeral was in Freedom, Wyoming the town of his birth. We waited a couple of weeks before we could get everyone together but it was a nice funeral. I think Steve would have liked it. What a wonderful surprise to see so many cousins!! The love and support was amazing. How we love those cousins and have treasured our time with them over the years. Of course many were not able to come for various reasons. But I felt so loved by the attendance.

Our daughter-in-law did a great job of displaying items that depicted Steve's life. They had gotten very close as she came almost weekly  to care for him over several months to give me respite.

It was wonderful to be flanked by 6 of our 10 children. Everyone was not able to come. Some had come earlier to spend time with their Dad before he passed

I love this photo which shows just over half of our posterity - aren't they beautiful? And my brother and his wife as well. It was a beautiful day for a graveside service. So much love and support!

My mission now is to organize all the many things left in our house so that when my life is over my children will not be overwhelmed. My 40+ years of family history work needs to be put in order and carefully sourced on FamilySearch so it will not be lost and so my children will not have to worry about what to do with everything.

A couple of weeks ago one of our sons drove me to Star Valley so I could see the head stone now that it has been installed. It was good to see it and great to spend so much time with my son - he is am amazing guy! I had hoped to spend a few quiet moments in the cemetery but alas it was not to be. There was a grieving family burying their loved one who apparently had loved country  music which they were playing very loudly over speakers. So maybe next time I can have a few quiet moments. Several of us plan to go up again in June when hopefully the dirt will have settled and the sod installed.

There are many long days and I have days of wondering what to do with myself. Somehow just keeping the house clean is not very fulfilling. I have determined that I will travel with my family. This coming summer my sister and I have planned an extended trip to the Maritime Provinces of Canada and then she will come to my home to help with the family history. There are future trips in the works with my grandchildren. I look forward to spending one on one time with them.

I am trying to be in good shape for my travels so I have been working with a personal trainer at a gym which is kind of expensive but he is good and is helping me. And it is only for 3 months. I also go to Tai Chi each week and was doing water aerobics prior to the pool closing. I am grateful to live in a community where I have access to the club house with the pool, etc. It is also a safe neighborhood in which to walk so I walk with a couple of friends almost every day. And I am blessed to live in this wonderful neighborhood with such friendly neighbors.

This is an interesting transition from being a part of a couple to being a single entity. I am grateful that Steve left me financially secure so life is manageable. I watch too much TV which is my 'go to' when I begin to 'short out' and feel stressed. But I am trying to get it together. I go to a therapist every week who is helping me figure out how to deal with this new phase of my life. She is helpful and I am grateful that my friends and family encouraged me in this.

I appreciate the support of my family and friends as I transition. But how grateful I am for the Savior's Plan of Salvation that will allow me to be with Steve once again! That is a great strength to me and I feel like Steve is on "the Lord's errand" on the other side of the veil.