ALONE IS STILL ALONE

 Isn't it strange how the days just mesh together and soon a week is passed, and then a month, etc. Time just relentlessly moves forward. And now it has been 2 years, 4 months and 6 days since Steve departed this earth life.[June 13, 2021] It is surreal. Somedays it seems like yesterday and others it seems a very long time ago.

I miss him! I miss his hugs, his love, his support. I miss the dreams we shared. I miss his companionship, his arm around my shoulder, his quirky humor. I miss our shared Church service. I just miss HIM!

Much has happened since he left. 

Seattle trip with my son and family. Alabama for Thanksgiving and New York with a grandson.

There were my 5 amazing weeks of traveling the Eastern Provinces of Canada with my sister in summer 2022. And then her extended visit to Utah in October 2022. [We are good travel companions and will be taking a Viking River Cruise in November '24]

The Villa ladies went to San Diego for a few days in August 2022.  I really enjoyed their company.

I had back surgery in  December 2022 to have my L4 and L5 vertebrates fused. It went well and my recovery is great although I still need to get more stamina.

My daughter and I enjoyed 5 days of Renew '23 on a cruise ship which catered to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We enjoyed a fantastic fare of speakers and musical offerings including the Piano Guys, Nathan Pacheco, David Osmond and the Osmond Chapman band, etc.

There was a quick trip to San Diego with my daughter's family when my grandson's band played on a US carrier. My daughter also drove with me to Yuma to visit a high school friend. After, we also visited another good friend in San Diego.

The Villa Ladies took a cruise in spring of 2023 starting in Long Beach with stops in San Francisco, Astoria, Victoria and then flying home from Vancouver, BC.  They are lovely ladies and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first of my, hopefully many, "grandma trips" happened during my grandson's spring break in April 2023. We packed our 6 days in Paris with many experiences and I loved our time together!

The second "grandma trip" was a 10 day safari in June with two other grandsons. We marked the 2nd anniversary of Steve's death in Tanzania. It was so GREAT to spend time with them and I plan to blog about our time soon. 

When we got home I found myself at loose ends not knowing what to do with myself. It is not as if there is nothing to do because I still have a LOT of sorting and organizing to do.

But it was so empty and without purpose. I realized that I had been 'running away' in my travels. I remember the first time I went somewhere  and came home anxious to tell Steve all about it only to find an empty house.

I can't really complain because I live in a very nice house and I have a very nice dependable car and enough means to be comfortable. But I am alone.

My family has been very good to me. I see the 5 of my children who live in Utah on a regular basis as they take turns bringing themselves with dinner to my house.  Someone is here almost every Sunday. Those who live out of state are pretty good about calling and texting and visiting as well. And I also see grandchildren. One of my grandsons lived with me this past summer as he prepared to go to BYUI.

The neighbors are good and kind. This summer I made good use of the swimming pool by our clubhouse to do my pool therapy. It is closed now til next summer so I am trying to walk to increase my stamina. But my back and hips don't like that idea every much. And I am kind of lazy and must force myself.

I have enjoyed my zinnias and a few tomatoes in the small ground space around my patio. I put away the cushions for my patio furniture yesterday and now must sweep away the fallen leaves.

Fall is a beautiful time of year and one day I even drove up to Huntsville to see the hill covered with colored leaves.

One of my bucket list items is in process. I signed up for a ceramics class and have actually thrown a few pots on the wheel. The next class begins next week. It is fun for me. I am anxious to see how things turned out after they were glazed.

But sometimes I am just here alone and struggling. Sometimes I don't want to be around people because I just don't have enough emotional band width to deal with people. I have watched so MANY TV programs and movies, listened to MANY books, read some books while recovering from surgery and trying   to survive this new experience of being a widow.  I am learning a lot about myself and it is easy to armchair quarterback my life and realize all the things I did wrong. It has been hard to learn to forgive myself for those things - it is an ongoing process.

I am trying to get myself on a regular schedule: regular scripture reading, piano practicing, exercising, drinking enough water, writing in my journal, etc. I am trying to attend the temple once a week and spend some time visiting with Heavenly Father. I am trying to write my missionary grandsons weekly - one serving in Missouri, another in Manaus Brazil. Old projects are being resurrected, like sewing together quilts tops from squares cut out by my daughters and me almost 20 years ago.

There are 4 trips planned for 2024: to Cancun with the Villa ladies in January, to Japan for another 'grandma trip' with 3 sibling grandchildren in May, and another to Denmark with another grandson in July and then the Viking cruise with my sister in November traveling from Amsterdam to Budapest for 15 days.

But there are MANY, MANY papers to be sorted. There are 5 file drawers in my garage full of Steve's old stuff. I am sure most of them just need to be shredded but I did find a $50 gift card for Home Depot and a $25 gift card to Costco. So who knows what else may be hiding. But it takes an emotional toll to go through those things. 

I think I will have to live to be 120 years old to accomplish all the projects. Since we know that will not happen I  need to just push onward. I just do not want to leave my children with a big mess to sort when I leave this earth.

In December I will bring my 8 year old granddaughter to Denver to visit her soon to be 8 year old cousin for her baptism. This time we will fly but this summer I did drive to Denver to visit my daughters and then on to Douglas, WY to visit my granddaughter and her sweet family. That was a big deal to me that I could do the drive myself.

So it all sounds great and like I am doing well. And I guess looking from the outside you can say that I am. But there are many days when I am not OK, when I hibernate and hide in my house. There are many nights when I cannot get to sleep and end up finally falling asleep in my recliner with the TV still on. 

But I am grateful for my many blessings not the least of which are my posterity. From just Steve and me in our humble beginnings we have grown to about 80 people and I am grateful for each one of them. And, yes, I do know the names of all the grand children and grand children! 

And we were blessed with another great daughter and another great grandson this spring!

I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation which will allow me to see Steve again and to spend Eternity with him and our family. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to lose him if I did not think I would see him again. I am grateful for my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It brings me peace and comfort.

But at the end of the day, I miss Steve. Alone is still alone.

                         Steve at the temple grounds of the London Temple in May 2019

 

GRANDMA TRIP #1 - "PARIS IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA"...Sabrina [April 2-9, 2023]

Well JetLag is definitely a thing! I had forgotten how hard it can be since it has been a few years  since I have traveled. Here it is 5 days since my return from this Paris trip and I am just barely getting back into this time zone! Part of my fatigue was also  the affect of just getting over bronchitis before we left and my ongoing recovery from back surgery. But I am getting there 😏 just more slowly than I had hoped.

And it seems impossible that our long ago planned "Grandma Trip" to Paris has come and gone! :) In fact it seems unreal that I actually was in Paris. But we really did go and we really did have wonderful experiences.

Grayson and I flew out of the Salt Lake airport on April 2 just ahead of a big storm which dumped so many inches of snow in Utah. I was grateful we left ahead of the storm so we were not delayed. [When we returned on April 9 all the snow was gone so we missed it all 😉]

An Uber picked me up at 11:30 AM which meant I missed most of the Sunday conference sessions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am grateful  for the technology that has allowed me to listen in to the talks I missed.  I had spent the day before listening to many encouraging and strengthening messages from our church leaders. I love that I can go back to listen again. I am always grateful for what I hear and for the hope that comes.

It was nice to spend our waiting time in the Delta Sky Club. I had requested wheel chair assistance and Grayson was my driver. The Salt Lake Airport has ridiculously long terminals!

We had great Premium Select seats for our  9 1/2 hour flight to Paris. Neither of us slept. We watched some movies, I read a book but we did not sleep. We were served dinner and then breakfast in anticipation of landing.

And we are off!

Here comes the Sun!

We chased the sun and soon found ourselves landing at the Charles de Gaulle airport. That is another HUGE airport and I was again very grateful for a wheel chair and the driver who helped us navigate through the endless corridors, customs and luggage collection.

Our shuttle driver was a little late to pick us up and was an angry man!  While exiting the airport he did not negotiate a turn very well which necessitated an 8 point turn to get us pointed  in the correct direction - accompanied by impatient honking behind us. Both of us wondered what was coming! In our somewhat dazed state we were concerned after we left the freeway with the crazy narrow roads and the very circuitous route before we finally arrived at our hotel, the Best Western Roncerey-Opera Hotel.

Our room was on the second floor of this unique hotel. It was a 3 star hotel and clean. 

This arched passageway extended about 3 blocks under the hotel, offices, etc spanning about 3 blocks. Various shops and cafes lined the sides - weather safe shopping.

It was fun to look through the various shops and we even bought a few items.

I was surprised to see 2 shops that sold stamps. I did not even realize  that stamp  collecting was still a popular hobby. I collected stamps in my early youth and still have my collection.

I think this shop was Grayson's favorite as he was able to find several items he liked.

The hotel let us check in immediately even though it was before normal check in time. So nice! Our room was very small but totally adequate with an ensuite.

We wanted to stay awake and go out  so Grayson figured out the Metro and we were off to the Trocadero. So amazing to see the Eiffel Tour for the first time. I suppose it had been on my unwritten bucket list for many years. It was surreal to actually be there. I am not sure exactly how I expected to feel but it was just  very interesting to be there after so many years of thinking about it. 

Everything was much further apart the we had anticipated when we looked at the map. I was just really grateful that Grayson could figure out the Metro!!!!

Across the Seine we boarded a river boat and enjoyed a cruise for about an hour viewing many interesting sights.The architecture is amazing! I wish I could do justice with photographs.

 

Fatigue is setting in.

 

Fatigue slammed us and it was getting chilly so we made our way back to the Metro and back to our hotel to SLEEP.

The breakfast buffets available every morning were amazing. Pastries, breads, meats, cheeses, fruit, dried fruit, yoghurt, all kinds of drinks. It was nice to just have it available every day. 

Since Grayson really wanted to see the Catacombs we hit the Metro and were so disappointed to discover that there were no more tickets to the Catacombs that day or  any time that week. I had seen the places online to buy tickets which said "likely to sell out" but I did not believe the hype which meant we missed out! So we regrouped and headed to Museum D'Orsay on the Metro. 

 

Each Metro ticket was just over $2 but each ticket gave access to lines in several directions. A person can get off one train and onto another as needed by negotiating through various underground corridors. It is a pretty good deal.  I think we bought 60 Euro of tickets. We neglected to photograph the stairs of the Metro!!! I wish I had thought to take a photo because along with a whole underground network of corridors were dozens of STAIRS!! at first I was OK but each time it got harder to pull myself up several flights of stairs to the next train destination. Between the stair railing and Grayson's arm I was able to make it most of the time, stopping occasionally to catch my breath! We asked someone later how handicapped people survived the Metro. The answer "they don't use the Metro". So no handicapped access. Even though I was not in a wheel chair it became difficult.  In the end we used a taxi more than the Metro.

There were occasional buskers in the Metro. This man played a small electric guitar with great talent. We just had to stop, listen and add some coins to his coffers.

But I will say that having gray hair and looking "old" has its benefits. The lines were overwhelming but the only option to get into anything. [I learned my lesson about pre-booking but I had wanted to give Grayson the option of spontaneity]. After making our way along the line for over an hour waiting to get into Museum D'Orsay a security guide came up, singled us out and brought us up to the front of the line saving us a couple of hours of standing!!!!! Awesome!  I can only assume he noticed my grey hair and had compassion for me. Then in the museum we were able to borrow  a wheelchair.  Grayson pushed me around the exhibits since the floor plan allowed pretty easy access through out. There were so many amazing paintings sculptures and exhibits and we loved it!

An amazing arch seen as we waited in line. I just love the detail. 

The ceilings!

We ordered a lunch of fried cod and salad at the museum.

There are so many amazing things to see.

 

The sculptures are remarkable!

And then it was back to the hotel for dinner at the Zephyr Club right under the hotel. It was jazz club  night so we rested just a bit before heading out.

If you have seen the movie "La La Land" you might recognize the jazz club we visited. This was Grayson's trip so I let him determine where we would go and he found it. Again his Metro skills got us there and we waited until 9 PM before the doors opened. After entry we walked down a flight of stairs, around a corner, down another flight of stairs, around another corner, and down a final flight of stairs into a grotto-like room with a small stage and limited seating.

 

The music was fantastic. These guys were so talented and I loved it!  After awhile people started dancing. The music just went right into us.  I wish I had filmed some of the amazing dancers. I have NEVER seen anyone do the swing like they did! So amazing! Then Grayson couldn't sit still any longer, got brave and invited some young ladies to dance and eventually he even got his old grandma out on the floor. It was a delight! I cannot even remember the last time I was on a dance floor. Steve did not like to dance to it has literally been decades since I have danced. But the music! how could I not?!

Then it was the day to see the Louvre. Although I had seen photos of the exterior I had no idea how HUGE it really was. There were huge buildings surrounding  the whole are of the pyramid courtyard entry area. I could well imagine there were once  horses and carriages traversing the space. I am amazed that the buildings have survived the events of the years. It is remarkable that wars did not destroy.

This panoramic shot can only give a small indication of how really huge this area is. It was surrounded on all sides by the huge buildings.

The crowds were unbelievable! It became immediately apparent that we were not the only ones taking advantage of spring break. I think there were thousands of people milling about. And more lines. I heard someone say it was a 3-4 hour wait in line to even get inside. So we got in line and waited. I would sit on the edge of the fountain and wait for the line to move and then move farther down the line to a new sitting place. It was too early in the year for the fountains to be turned on. It would have been beautiful to see.

Watching people is always interesting. So many people from so many different places. Again my grey hair came to the rescue. After about 1 1/2 hours of shuffling through the line we got near the building but still had to navigate the many lines snaking their way back and forth. It was too hard for me to stand that long so I walked across the lines to go sit on the edge of the fountain near the door. Again, a security guard approached me and beckoned me to follow. I told him I had a grandson with me and he told me to bring him. So, once again we were brought up to the front of the line. I was so grateful as I know he saved us at least another 2 hours of standing! A real blessing.💕💕

I was so grateful there were wheelchairs available as I was very tired. Grayson cheerfully became my driver as we negotiated the many confusing areas. The Louvre is massive. So many beautiful paintings, sculptures, ceilings. No space was wasted! It is impossible to capture  the essence of the Louvre in a few photos.

We saw the Mona Lisa - much smaller than expected but still amazing. We saw Venus de Milo -  so beautiful. We saw so many amazing sculptures. I think my favorite was a little boy with a goose. 

I can't look at sculptures without thinking about Michaelangelo. One of my all time favorite books is The Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone, the biography of Michaelangelo. It  tells his remarkable story including the interesting way he learned  about the muscle structure of the body before he carved his beautiful David. 

 I have thought a lot about art and what motivates an artist to create their masterpieces. So many masterpieces on display in these museums and so many more preserved in other museums around the world. I was grateful for the opportunity to view so many even though I do not know a lot about art. It was amazing!

We visited Opera Bastille and saw Hamlet. I had not known there was an opera of Hamlet but it was the only one playing in our timeframe and we were not disappointed. The music was fantastic and the staging magnificent.

Fun to dress up a little and have a handsome date!

And then it was time for our cooking class. I found it on Viator and signed up for a market tour with the chef, preparing a 3 course meal in her flat and then eating said 3 course meal. Sadly I had a touch of the stomach flu that morning and found myself  looking for a safe bush in which to "throw up" but I still managed to go to the market, just not with a lot of energy. Chef Miryam taught us various things about the produce, etc. The market displays were so awesome! I wished I could have taken more time to really take more thoughtful photos.

 

 I was not up to cooking so took a short nap  on her couch while Grayson and a lovely family from Mumbai via Seattle  did the cooking. But I was able to sample the results which were very good. I am still waiting on the promised recipes though. It would be fun to try some of them. There was a leek and salmon quiche, a chicken dish with potatoes and an absolutely amazing lemon dessert.

 

Chef Miryam lived on the 23rd floor with an amazing view!

We returned from the cooking class about 3 PM feeling tired so decided to take a little nap before our next activity. Well, 9 hours later we woke up! Obviously it was  the middle of the night so we visited for 2-3 hours and went back to sleep. I guess we were just worn out. I worried I was an "old lady" holding back my grandson but he was just as tired from all of the activities of his life so I guess we both just needed to catch up. 

The days were passing quickly and it was impossible to squeeze in everything we would have liked to do but we did get to the Arc de Triomphe which is very impressive. Amazing to stand there and look at that piece of history! The whole city of Paris has so much history. It is surreal to stand in places so steeped in history and think of all those who have gone before. Impossible to reconcile.

We took the Metro back to the Eiffel tower so we could see it all lit up. It was about 9 PM, in time to see the display of flashing lights which turned off after just a couple of minutes leaving on the regular lights.. We wondered if maybe they flashed every hour but did not stay late enough to check our theory. There was definitely a carnival atmosphere around the grounds. Many vendors hawking their wares. Probably the most common item was a "sparkling" Eiffel tower  - we resisted.  Instead found some cute aprons and a couple of other items. The Eiffel tower is remarkable! We did not try to climb the stairs but just enjoyed the ambience. Another piece of history!

The Seine.

And then it was our last day in Paris. Grayson wanted to attend the Paris temple which is actually  in La Chesney, pronounced in a way I cannot even recognize. We opted to take a taxi because it was too stressful to try to find the metro or bus connection since it was about 20 miles south of Paris. We initially  thought that since Versailles was just a few blocks away we would visit it after our time in the temple.

The temple is beautiful, very simple without height or the typical statue of the Angel Moroni on top. I suspect that the building codes for that area would not allow those touches. It consisted of a quiet and beautiful court yard with a statue of Thorvaldsens' Christus, surrounded by the temple itself, a visitors center, a family center and patron housing for people who travel long distances to attend the temple. We were able to spend an hour or so inside the temple soaking in the feeling while we participated as proxies  in sacred baptisms for deceased ancestors. There is peace found in the temples of the Lord  that cannot be found anywhere else.

After we finished we walked to a nearby Aldi grocery store and bought a baguette, some cheese and some oranges which we took back to the family center and ate in the nice kitchen facility. Our plan to visit Versailles went by the way when we realized how tired we  were. 

Then we had the issue of getting back to Paris. The Metro did not run right there and we could not find a taxi stand. Our cell phones were not working, of course, so we were at a loss. Finally we stopped a young woman who was on her way into the temple and asked if she spoke English. She was kind and offered to call a ride for us. I think it was an Uber. Then she waited with us until our ride showed up. At first we thought it would be nice if we could just drive past Versailles but by the time the car actually showed up we were just too tired and requested just to go back to our hotel. So we missed Versailles.

The down side was the expense of the taxis going to and coming from the temple. It cost about $140 round trip! There probably was a better, cheaper way but we did not know what it was and were just too tired to find out. Thinking about it I realized it was a small sacrifice for the privilege of attending the temple. So many people have made so many major sacrifices to travel long distances to attend the temples, so this was pretty minor and totally worth it.

We returned to our hotel and were greeted and overrun by crowds. There were hundreds of people queued up in front of hotel for the wax museum next door. There were hundreds of people in the archway looking at the shops and it was so overwhelming! Neither of us enjoy crowds. We just hurried to our room and relaxed for awhile before making a last venture to the shops.

That evening we took a taxi to Grayson's friend's home. She had been a foreign exchange student in his high school last year. Her kind parents took us out for dinner and we had a lovely time just visiting with these very delightful people. Their home was decorated like a museum and was so interesting.

Friends in her parents beautiful home.

And then our time in Paris came to an end. Our driver met us in the hotel lobby at 6 AM and drove us to the airport. We were early to make sure everything was in order and then had to wait for 2-3 hours before boarding our flight home. We had our good seats again.Definitely  enjoyed the space. My audio/monitor did not work but I was reading a book anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I slept an hour or two and then we landed in Salt Lake. Our luggage made it without incident. Then our trip was history and memories.

Last morning in Paris at the airport.

So the  first "Grandma Trip" was complete. I enjoyed my time with my grandson so much. He is an awesome traveling companion and we got along very well. We have a lot of 'selfies'. I will always treasure my memories of our time together. He is a remarkable young man and it is an honor to be his grandmother.

There are a few things I learned on this trip:

one - 6 days is not enough! I think at least 10 days and maybe 2 weeks are necessary. There is never enough time to fully see what is around us!.

two - when they say "likely to  sell out" I should pay attention! I guess I am too cynical. I have  learned my lesson.

three - it might be a good idea to be well rested before a trip 😆

I feel very blessed to have these experiences. There are more "Grandma Trips" in the works. The next is a Safari in June. How wonderful it is to have a family! My life is not exactly what I pictured it would be. I did not factor in being a widow but I am a widow even though I am still not really sure what that means. 

It has been almost 2 years now since Steve died.  I am no longer "Steve's wife". I am Liz, a widow, who is trying to find my way to who I really am now. I never got fully moved into this house because my  time was spent being Steve's caretaker and then just "being" after he died. Now I am trying to finish moving in which requires sorting and discarding things no longer relevant to my life. This is often emotionally fatiguing.

There are many projects I would like to complete before my turn on earth is over and I am  working that direction. I still go to counseling which is helping me deal with various issues I face.

I seem to be recovering well from my back surgery. I have begun 'pool therapy' which is helping. I can feel it especially in my right leg. In a few weeks I will join some of my widowed friends on a cruise which should be enjoyable. I am grateful for my life.