SNOW, SPRING AND LIFE

I sit at my desk and watch the snow flakes come down. They go from hard hail-like flakes, to big fluffy swirling flakes. Last night the weather alternated between raining and snowing - there was actually a little snow on the ground this morning. The roads are  wet, so regardless of what kind of flakes that come, they all quickly meet the same fate of melting.😎

And it is supposed to be spring on March 30. Spring is rather elusive this year.

This has been a crazy week. My X-ray was excellent last week. The vertebrae are perfectly lined up. So, now I can go back to my normal life. I can bend, twist, lift a little, load and unload my dishwasher and all those things I couldn't do for 3 months. I even went to physical therapy and Tai Chi. My stamina is very low so I am trying to build it up. I have been using the tread mill and stationary bike at the club house this week just to try to build some stamina.I suspect there will be a LOT of walking in Paris. But after my trip next week I will start pool therapy which should be helpful. The first day I  started picking things up and bending down to put them away which left  me  exhausted after only 1 hour! Ridiculous!

Of course then I got bronchitis last week which was so annoying. Since I am leaving for Paris in 3 more days I was kind of stressed about getting better in time to go. I am mostly better but just have a lingering cough.

Getting prepared to go to Paris has been stressful. I have not been there before and I like to know what I am doing and where I am going - hence the stress. But I have prepared as well as I can. This will be the first "Grandma Trip" and I look forward to this adventure with my grandson. My suitcase is packed, my meds are under control, the Uber and shuttle have been ordered, etc and we know where we are staying..

This weekend will also  be General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints which occurs every 6 months. It is always so wonderful to watch and hear the Prophet and the Apostles and other church leaders speak. I always feel renewed and strengthened. 

The only sad thing is that our departing flights to Paris  were bumped up so we will miss the last session on Sunday to board  our flight. Thank goodness for technology so I can watch the last part at my leisure when I get home. In case you are interested in watching you can go to:   https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/?lang=eng 

There will be 3 sessions on Saturday and 2 sessions on Sunday.

I have actually enjoyed the snow this year - maybe because I have not been out in it too much. It really is beautiful and we have had enough snow that the summer should not be in a drought this year.

 I love to look out my bedroom window to see just how much snow there is. My patio furniture has been covered over several times. Sometimes the snow has bridged the space between the chair and the table creating one big loaf. Its fun to see. But I do look forward to spring and hope to plant some sweet peas after this trip.

GRANDCHILDREN AND GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN - DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?

I have been abundantly blessed by association with some of my grandchildren these past several weeks. And I even have a new great daughter who is the 12th great grandchild! I look forward to another great grandson in May as well.

Living in Utah where 5 of my 10 children reside has been a huge blessing since I can now attend many concerts and musicals and special days as well as Sunday dinners. I see at least some of the family several times a month. It really is a blessing!

The other day I was counting up our family and realized that from just Steve and me have come  a family of almost 80 people! It is mind boggling and brings me great joy. I love the hugs and the association. It would be my dream to have us altogether at one time in one place although I realize that will likely not happen since we  all live far apart in Utah, Oregon, Colorado, Alabama, Indiana, Georgia, Tokyo, California, and Arizona. But I will continue to revel in the times I can gather with my family members. I look forward to the "Grandma Trips" with my grandchildren which will begin April 2 with a trip to Paris with one of my grandsons. It will be fun to find out what adventures await as more trips are planned. There will be a safari in June with 2 more grandsons and then a trip to Japan in 2024 with 5 other grandchildren. I was surprised that so many were interested in visiting Japan. I am grateful that so far my health has been good enough to allow me to travel. I am recovering well from my back surgery which will be helpful when it comes to traveling and needing to walk.

It almost seems like spring. At least we haven't had snow for a few days. The snow pack is good for this year so  maybe we will not have to worry about drought conditions. I am thinking of planting sweet peas soon. They have my favorite perfume. And of course I want more zinnias this year.

It has been aggravating to have a 3 month recovery from my surgery! I have read so many books and watched so much TV and felt stymied since I could not "bend, twist or lift more than 10 lbs" nor was I supposed to use my "dishwasher, do laundry or vacuum" during that same time frame. Thankfully I have a robot vacuum, realized I can wash dishes by hand, and learned how to use my 'grabber' to do laundry without bending. This week I will go have an X-ray to see just how the fuse is looking and hopefully I will get a green light to get back to my life. I am not the world's best housekeeper but even  I am getting annoyed by the clutter and knowing my bathrooms are not as clean as they should be. I actually found someone to come in and clean for me next week. It will be like spring cleaning  I hope!

There is a huge pile of papers on my desk I need to sort as soon as I am cleared to bend so I can put them in my file drawers. But little by little my mind is allowing me to deal with some of the "stuff" like sending in insurance claims, doing my taxes, and so much of the minutia of my life. I am hopeful that I will get my head together again and be more productive. I just need to feel like I am accomplishing something. Guess that comes from having a type A personality. But then there are days when I do absolutely nothing of significance. This past week I have been sort of hibernating. But I am learning to be OK with that too.

I think part of this new portion of my life is learning who I really am. For example, I always have said that I like 'classical' music and I have it playing on my radio in my car when I drive. But I have learned that I do not like ALL classical music. I am trying to discover what foods I actually like. It may be because I had Covid or it is just me but most food does not taste very good to me anymore. So, I am trying to figure out what foods I actually do like. It has been a revelation to me that I struggle with my body image.  I think I have always tried to look 'nice' and put together but I realize I really struggle with some excess weight and I need to not struggle so much with it.

So, there is definitely room for growth. I am trying to be a better person and that is sometimes an uphill journey. 

But overall I feel blessed and grateful for so many things - for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for the opportunity to attend the temple regularly, for my FAMILY, for the years Steve and I had together, for his love and the foundation he provided for my emotions. I look forward to many more adventures as I adjust to my new life as a widow.

Here are a few recent photos of some of my posterity.

My beautiful new great granddaughter!

With my grandson and his pink hair for his role a "Patrick" in Spongebob.

Awesome supporting family!

Super percussionist after his Jazz Band Concert.

Another 'grandma' moment after one of his musicals.

After his performance with a BYU group - he is an awesome guitarist.

What can I say?!

SACRIFICE, SELFISHNESS, SELF CARE, SANITY

 

I really love to see beautiful skies! Seeing them  help fill my well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about sacrifice, selfishness, self  care and sanity and how they apply in my life. Part of the grieving process is figuring all that out. I am still visiting a therapist bi-weekly who gives me a good sounding board and often directs my thoughts to areas I had not previously considered.

It seems strange that I am a widow.  Most of my life has been spent as a wife and mother. I was blessed to marry Steve who was a good man. He loved me and we had many adventures together. Not the least of which was parenthood. And I am very grateful to be a mother, a grandmother, and a great grandmother. It is amazing to think that my 10 children have turned out to be pretty awesome humans. It is amazing to realize that from Steve and me have come almost 80 descendants  to our family. I love my family and am grateful for this time in my life to interact with them all. I love that I see the 5 of my children who live near and some of the grandchildren who live near on a pretty regular basis and am always grateful when those farther away come to visit or text or call.

But it is still strange to be a widow. I am still not sure just what that looks like. I know I am alone, of course, but I am still trying to figure things out.

I have learned that I can go to bed when I want. I can get up when I want - even though I seem unable to sleep more than 5-6 hours at a time. I can get dressed, if and, when I want. I can choose what I want to eat. I can be social, or not,  if I want. I can read or watch TV or do other  "stuff" if I want. I have also learned that I miss the structure of life that comes in a family. So, I have to figure out what kind of structure I want now that I am alone.

 I know I need more exercise to stay healthy and in shape but that has been frustrated as I am still recovering from back surgery. I am recovering but still have pains in my legs. I think I need a chiropractic adjustment but I cannot do that until after I visit the doctor on March 22 and get an X-ray and hopefully a green light for normal activities. It was good to be on the cruise and be forced to walk as much as I was. Crazy to think we walked 1-2 miles per day just on the ship going back and forth from our room ,to dining, to entertainment.  But I came home feeling like my body could move better. I have been trying to walk regularly but the cold snowy weather has made that difficult and the reality is that I am kind of lazy.

I have been reading my scriptures regularly and have scheduled weekly temple attendance so that is a start at creating a structure.  

But I really do want to do "more". My therapist told me to be aware of what I actually do each day; but feeling like I have to always be doing "more"  is just ingrained in my personality that I must be doing. She introduced the term "self care" when I told her that I had chosen not to attend  social event I had been planning to attend. I had to think  a lot about that term to finally figure out that I do not need to do something just because other people might expect me to do it.

Then I have been thinking about how much of my life has been governed by my perception of what others expect. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I want. So, as I have been reading books and watching TV the back of my mind has been busy trying to figure that out.

Anyone who is a parent knows full well that parenthood is synonymous with sacrifice. We just cannot raise children without sacrificing sleep, time, energy, hobbies, etc. That is just the way it is and I have no regrets for sacrificing so much for my 10 children. And if I had a chance to do it all over again I would jump at it hoping only that I could be a better parent. And we make these sacrifices because we love our children. And it was our desire to 'raise up our family to the Lord'.

Trying to be obedient to the Lord's commandments also involves sacrifice as we spend our time and means to serve the Lord. I would never change our efforts  that way either. I was grateful for the opportunity to speak in Stake Conference a week ago because it gave me a chance to serve and to share my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

There are times when it is right to sacrifice. And there are times when I/we need to pull into ourselves and allow some self care. That is not being selfish. That is filling our wells so we can move forward. There have been many times when I have over extended myself and come close to damaging my sanity. In fact I know that I have damaged my sanity at times.

Sometimes in my life I have had to just stop and pull in and try to reset myself. Sometimes I have to learn to say "no" when I really can't go or do what others may expect from me. And that is OK. But it is a process to learn the balance.

My daughter-in-law found a poster years ago which featured a large elephant balancing on  a small ball which I think was actually representing the world. I suspect we all feel like we have to balance "everything". But we don't. 

There was a conference talk by Elder Dallin H Oaks  a few years back about making good choices. He talked about "good, better and best " choices. I just reread it and appreciate the good counsel he gave. 

I am attaching a link to his talk in case you are interested.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng

As I move forward with my life  I am trying to figure out which choices are 'best' for me and my family. Sadly I still waste a lot of time being unproductive. I need to learn to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to somehow step back and see the full picture and figure out what I want and why I want it and then move forward.