I finally feel like I can write again. For many weeks I have not been able to hold enough thoughts together to write anything. My head has been a jumble. I have MANY thoughts rolling around in my head and I hope I can get them down.
It is almost 10 months since Steve died. In some ways it feels more recent and in others it seems a long time ago. I miss him every day but am getting used to being alone.
This transition is harder than I expected. And I am still transitioning. I have ample time for whatever I want to do. Sometimes I have too much time and find myself going down the rabbit hole of dissecting our marriage and thinking of all the things I should have done better. I can make myself become very depressed if I dwell on it too long. We did have a good marriage and loved each other very much but sometimes my thoughts take me where I should not go.
It is hard to go from a state of having someone in my life for almost 55 years to being alone. Although my children and grandchildren are wonderful they cannot fill that void because they have their own lives and marriages and families to care for. But it has been a great comfort that many of them do make time for me. Even the quick texts or phone calls brighten my days.
This week has been very hard for me. Often I have been unable to sleep until 3 AM or 4 AM and then of course the next day is difficult. I have just felt lost and like I was 'slipping down the tube' to depression.
I have been taking the Emotional Resilience - Finding Strength in the Lord course through our ward which has been very helpful as I have struggled to really pray. I meet with a good counsellor each week and I have frequent lymphatic massages. But it is a process to make this transition and somedays I do not do very well.
A couple of days ago google photos put together a few videos of the various places Steve and I have been the past several years. As I watched them I found a big smile on my face remembering all the good times we had together. I realized that besides missing Steve, I also missed nature. So, with my counsellor's strong encouragement I drove to Antelope Island Park, bought an annual pass and spent a couple of hours out there being alone listening to the birds, hearing the jets overhead and just "being". I enjoyed the views and the peace. I broke in my new trekking poles preparing for my trip to Canada with my sister this summer. They work great but no one told me my shoulders would get tired.
I found a beautiful meadow with purple flowers that prompted me to leave my car and try to take a photo. Flowers feed my soul.
I was able to really pray this morning which I really needed. Previously I have felt unable to break through "something" to really express my feelings to Heavenly Father in prayer. So I was glad to have some good communication.
Tonight I was able to help clean in the Ogden Temple with one of my friends. It was nice just to be in the temple for a little while even though we both got tired.
This has been a good day and even though I am very tired I feel like I have enough resolve to move forward. I am grateful.
